I have some bad news for you. There will be some celebrity deaths this year.
2016 was a bad year. The United States elected an orange reality star who is packing his cabinet with a new flavor of bigot each week as its president. (I know. I’m still in denial, too.) I’m sure you’ve been through some things this year, too. I know Hillary Clinton (#stillwithher), that treasure of a fine woman (in the words of my drunk brother on election night, “my queen”), has probably had it the roughest. (Putin, on the other hand, seems to have had a grand year.) Personally, I’ve been through some things, too. My grandfather, who was not a celebrity, died, and my best work friend, who is also not a celebrity, moved across the country. I’m ready for a new year.
So let’s ignore the fact that we’re kicking off 2017 by actually making this monster our president (also, fun fact: January 20th is my terrible ex boyfriend’s birthday) and instead think about the good things that will happen this year. Like The Bachelor! It premieres tomorrow, and the contestant list is packed with dolphin-lovers and Little Mermaid fans. The latter makes sense (Ariel is the best Disney princess. Don’t even talk to me if you disagree.), while the former is a bit perplexing–did I miss the dolphin memo? This is like bubble dresses all over again.
Also, I’ve set up some brand-new resolutions.
- Send daily thoughts of love and support to Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
- Be more tolerant of people who don’t watch The Bachelor and maybe don’t want to to hear my play-by-play recaps; they know not what their lives are lacking.
- Commit to regular meals, instead grazing out of containers throughout the day (last year’s resolution broke down a bit)
- Limit my crying about how this is the last full year of my 20s (yeah, I discovered that harsh reality) to one 20-minute session once a month
Happy 2017! It will only be the age of Trump if we let it.
Ever since it was announced that Gilmore Girls might return for a short run on Netflix, I have been mostly anxious that I am being lied to. I want this to happen more than I want a puppy or Donald Trump to not be our next president. Okay just kidding about both those things, but I want it badly.
Demi Adejuyigbe of Gilmore Guys, a podcast you should definitely be listening to if you’re not, wrote this amazing list of suggestions for the revival on the Hairpin. I’d like to add a few of my own:
*It is revealed that season 7 was just one long, horrible dream.
*Mrs. Kim has been hiding Lane’s father in their attic Mrs. Rochester-style this whole time. Or maybe under Lane’s floorboards. He has been entertaining himself with Lane’s contraband music.
*Lorelei singlehandedly brings back the 90s.
*Rory and Lorelei each break up a few more of their ex-boyfriends’ marriages.
*Emily takes down the New York Times using only her words because they rejected Rory that one time.
*Luke introduces a delicious portobello burger at his diner.
*Paris becomes Hillary Clinton.
*April disappears because she was a useless plot device and annoying and no one ever liked her anyway.
I know everyone here is an avid follower of my blog, so of course you remember the time I accompanied my grandfather and his girlfriend to the Apple Store to buy some iPhones. Did you anticipate a part II? Because of course there is a part II.
So welcome to part II of the iPhone debacle, in which my grandfather loses the device that he doesn’t actually use, but to which he has become very attached over the preceding months. (He likes the flashlight feature. It helps him read menus in restaurants. So basically, this is a $700 flashlight.)
So one day I was at work, and received the most chilling GChat from my mom: “You got insurance for Papa’s phone, right?”
I had, of course. But here’s the problem: insurance doesn’t cover loss.
Anyway, this was like a week-long debacle, but at least this time I didn’t have a starring technical role in the production.
He later found it in his pants pocket. He had changed his pants.