“I’m insatiably curious- do you by chance ever repeatedly attempt to tuck your (curly) hair behind your ear? If so, do you merely push it back or do you grab it and deliberately guide it around your ears? I’d love to serenade you with classical music in exchange for the opportunity to watch you doing the latter ;)”
-Stranger I will not be dating, who compels me to go take a shower…or straighten my hair or something
(Seriously though, I just copied and pasted that from my inbox.)
First, a special shoutout to the Apple Store employee who walked my grandfather and his girlfriend through the really pleasurable experience of purchasing iPhones a.k.a. “the most patient man in the world.”
This past weekend, my mother and I visited my grandfather (E) and his girlfriend (S) in Florida, an ideal place to vacation in July. My father, who was not present and thus did not have to deal with the consequences of his actions, suggested they buy iPhones, these 90-year-olds who previously had flip phones that they never turned on and kept in the car at all times. (See future posts for notes on their driving.)
We spent 3.5 hours at the Apple Store, during which the following things were said:
(In attempt to sign on the screen): “Can I start over?”
(In response to “It’s free to make and receive calls”): “Can I call Europe?”
“If we’re keeping our phone numbers do we have to give new numbers to everybody?”
“Why are we doing this?”
Here are some things E and S do not know:
-Their social security numbers
-Where their licenses are
-Their zip code
-The difference between an email address and a password
-Any of their passwords
-Where they put their chargers
Day 2 resulted in another trip to the Apple store and then Verizon, because, of course, something went wrong. It was between these two stores that I had a meltdown with real tears.
My mother denied me sugary cereal when I was growing up. Of course I resented her for it at the time. I wanted Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Cinnamon Toast Crunch. When my older brother went away for summer camp, he wrote me long letters about the dessert he was eating for breakfast, and I was jealous.
Did it make me a healthy eater as an adult? Not really. Could I really go for a bowl of Lucky Charms right now? Totally. But I appreciate my mother’s efforts towards keeping me healthy and not fat. So thanks, Mom, for not feeding me candy for breakfast.
Now a question for the woman who was actually feeding her kids candy for breakfast: Do you really dislike their camp counselors that much?
Come on. Lucky Charms are one thing. Straight up Starbursts? I know I’m not a parent, but I think I’m entitled to judge you for that. You’re not the one who has to deal with the consequences, after all. Think of those poor high school/college students who have to play charades with them all day, and now they have to do it while your kids are hopped up on sugar. (Side note: I could fill a book with my camp counseloring and babysitting stories. Another time.)
Excuse the multiple posts in one day, but today I saw something so horrifying, so completely despicable, that I had to take to the internet with my fury.
Oreo “Thins” (quotes mine) are something that are about to exist.
There are some things in this world that have come to be accepted as a given. The sun is bigger than the earth. Climate change is real, and humans are responsible for it. And, of course, the filling is the only point to an Oreo.
Double Stuf is really the only kind that matters, except when mint is available. Really, they need to make a Double Stuf Mint variety, but I do understand that I’m in the minority as someone who loves chocolate mint. But I refuse to believe there is anyone who thinks Oreos can be improved by cutting back on the stuf. Except, apparently, the author of the above Today Food post. But if you’re not an Oreo person to begin with, you don’t deserve an opinion. Of course you’re just going to like something that includes less Oreo if you don’t like Oreos.
These cookies of betrayal can hardly even be called cookies. They’re fake cookies. Fookies, if you will.
You’re not getting a better view by doing that. The fireworks are in the sky. You look dumb.
This just makes me sad. I was at Rite Aid the other day and walked by the center aisle, where there was a whole display of ugly clothes. Not Halloween costumes or anything, just regular clothes. The highlight was a pink bubble shirt.
If you don’t know what a bubble shirt is, you probably weren’t a middle school girl in 2001 like I was. They were all the rage for about thirty seconds, highly coveted in the tween set, and I did not have one. But by god did I want one.
I guess I never realized how ugly they were. And I guess Rite Aid never realized that nobody has worn them in fourteen years.
Anyway, this is a just a sad fact of life that apparently people shop for clothes at Rite Aid. Like, lemme pick up an outfit that will go with my deodorant. Damn will I look fine and totally like an adult in that bubble top.
Scalia is like that villain on your favorite tv show that you’re supposed to hate. S/he is so one dimensional that it becomes boring and cliche to hate him or her. Like Franny on Greek. Or what’s her face on Orange is the New Black season 2 whose name I can’t remember. Or Bill O’Reilly. Anyway, Scalia is that person. Like, okay dude, we get it, you’re a dick. You’re SCOTUS’s Dick Cheney.
Roberts is that asshole who thinks he’s a genuinely good guy. In my opinion, that’s the worst kind of asshole. He sits there all Aryan and condescending, and says things like, “It’s really great that people get to celebrate today, and I don’t want to put a damper on that. But FYI, it’s also super wrong in the eyes of the constitution.” You know he’s that guy who’s always saying, “I have lots of gay friends. I just don’t want to have to see them being gay.”
What really bothered me was his attempt to shame gay rights advocates today. Putting an end to same-sex marriage bans is not up to the Supreme Court, he argued. What we really need to do is try to convince our bigoted peers to see our point of view, and maybe they’ll come around. Because that’s been working so well. Everyone knows if we just talk it out we’ll all agree in the end.
That’s why Roberts is worse than Scalia. Of course nobody cares today, but I worry that because he comes across as rational, he’s dangerous as an evil person.
But today is a good day, so I’ll put the loathing on hold. I’ll leave you with a final question: if you were in a bar and Ruth Bader Ginsberg happened to walk in, what drink would you buy her? She seems like a scotch on the rocks kind of girl to me, but maybe you feel differently.
A guy I was chatting with online just told me his name is Sage, and I’m really not sure I can date someone named after an herb. Unless it’s like Marijuana or something. I’m not a stoner, but that would just be too good.
I’m not mad at this particular stranger. However, I am angry with his parents. Why do people name their children after inanimate objects? Last season on The Bachelor there was a 21-year-old single mother with a child named Kale. Way to ruin kale for me. Stop it, people.
In other news, if I ever have a dog I’m going to name it something like Jonathan or Susan.
Last night, while riding the subway home, I happened to be sitting across from a man roughly my age, which is 25 plus 24 months, and he was such a ridiculous human being that I just had to take out my phone and write down a description of him. This is what I wrote:
The man sitting across from me is wearing white mesh shorts with a white striped polo shirt that says H2O. Oh, and white sneakers. It doesn’t help that he has super blond hair artfully done up in one of those Justin Bieber styles that’s meant to convey stylish nonchalance, even though it obviously took hours. I hate him. He’s sitting with his legs spread wide apart, big feet firmly planted on the ground. He’s probably going to scratch himself soon. He’s not reading a book because duh. He has the stubble of someone who hasn’t shaved in days, but you know he’s grooming that facial hair. Now he glances at his Rolex.
Then, I started thinking about how I strongly dislike so many strangers in general. For example, tourists. I live in New York, where tourists are the worst, but I can imagine they’re pretty bad in other cities, too. As a person who lives in New York (I’m not allowed to call myself a New Yorker yet, because I haven’t lived here for ten years), I avoid Times Square like the plague. But sometimes it’s unavoidable, like when I have to take the bus from Port Authority. These people stand in the middle of the sidewalks with their cameras taking pictures of the M&M store, because they’re never seen an M&M before, or a billboard, because they’ve never seen an ad before, and I have to walk around them because they’ve never used sidewalks before, and Sweet Moses it’s so annoying.
But people who live in New York are also the worst. Everybody is the worst here.
So I’m looking at this as an outlet for my rage about people I don’t know. Do you hate people you’ve never met, too? If so, let’s be friends.