The latest American Girl is here, and her name is Maryellen Larkin, and I can’t. First of all, she is nine years old and wearing pearls. Secondly, her crocheted cardigan matches her crocheted handbag. Again, she’s nine.

I’m glad that they’re throwing the “Be Forever” collection a bone, because I do miss the early (better) days of American Girl. But you know what the world doesn’t need? A doll training for her M.R.S. That’s all I see in this chick.  I’m sure her mother Mrs. Biff Larkin is teaching her how to make a nice meatloaf to please her man, so she’ll be all set to wife it up when she turns nineteen. And she’ll learn how to set that table righty-oh in finishing school.

Did I mention the pearls?