You know that moment of doom when the train stalls and the conductor announces “afhjkadfbkafbkasf” and you have no idea what s/he said because it was incoherent? And then you ask someone what s/he said and they have no idea either? And eventually s/he repeats it, and you realize there’s a sick passenger, and you proceed to bang your head against a wall because you’re definitely going to be late to work? Well, a couple weeks ago, I was that person who made you bang your head against a wall, because I totally fainted on the subway.
Here are some things that happen when you faint on the subway: you automatically get a seat, the conductor comes over and encourages you to get off the train (but what do you do then?), people offer you a lot of medical advice, and actually, strangers are very nice. After I insisted that I was fine and wanted to stay on the train, people offered me water and spoke to me in soothing tones. A special shout out to that one woman who offered to get off at my stop with me and walk me to work.
In summary, thanks to those strangers, and also, the next time your train is stalled for a sick passenger, know that s/he is probably really embarrassed and never wanted to be that person and is really, really sorry.
Guys. It’s very sad that Alan Rickman passed away this week. It’s also sad that David Bowie passed away the same week. But please remember that they are celebrities. You did not know them personally. They are not your mom or your boyfriend. You admired their acting and music respectively. You did not share mimosas and tater tots with them on the reg. So when you post “I FUCKING HATE THIS WEEK” on Facebook and Twitter, please bear in mind that your life is not going to change because these two individuals are no longer part of it. They were never part of it.
Also, it’s not a strange twist of fate that they died during the same week. It’s not even a coincidence. They actually had nothing to do with each other, just like they had nothing to do with you. Lots of people you never knew die in the same year, month, week, even day.
Obviously it is not up to me to forbid you to collectively mourn. But please remember that this week is what you make it to be. You can still live your life minus one great musician and one great actor.
(Apologies to any of my Facebook friends who did, indeed, consider these two individuals close personal friends.)
Happy New Year! I paused Married at First Sight just to check in because it’s been awhile.
First, a word to the people who just had to see the ball drop last night. Please take a long, hard look in the mirror. Is this who you want to be? Let’s start with the fact that you spent your vacation in New York at Times Square. I know you don’t live here because nobody who lives here goes to Times Square EVER (except in the case of real necessity), and never ever ever on New Year’s Eve. Also, you stood in the cold for hours and hours so you could watch a ball drop, a ball you could have watched on TV like I do every year, and it was so vital to your happiness that you wore Depends. If you didn’t wear Depends, you waited around in your own filth for hours and hours, or you have the strongest bladder known to man or womankind. Next time you come here, please do me a favor and hit up a dive bar in the Village. We’ll all be happier.
And now for my resolutions. Last year’s didn’t go so well. I resolved to write non work-related material for at least one hour a week and to compliment myself once a day for the sake of my self esteem. Resolution 1 broke down around February. I think resolution 2 went a bit further, but once I started paying myself compliments like “resilient liver,” I decided maybe I don’t have 365 amazing qualities. This year I’m going for more attainable things like:
-Eating meals off of proper plates rather than out of containers
-Eating said meals at appropriate meal times rather than snacking around the clock
-Crying less (I’ve only cried once this year so far, so things are looking up!)
-Buying new clothes no more than once every three months
-Keeping my orchid alive (this is the first one I’ve ever gotten to re-bloom, so fingers crossed)
-Figuring out why my laptop keeps waking up in the middle of the night after I put her to sleep/stop worrying that she’s going to attack me
-Maybe stop naming inanimate objects and referring to them with pronouns like “she” and “he,” but probably not