American Boy Doll Logan

Mattel launches my new nemesis, American Boy Logan

You saw him in a bar.  It was open mic night, and he was playing an original song he wrote on a napkin when inspiration struck. It was about his first love who left him for his best friend. She stole his heart and also his truck. Now he can’t seem to get his head out of the bottle except to debut his new material at the local dive bar that has a Bud + whiskey shot special for $6…because who would miss that deal. His name was Hipster Ken. I mean Logan. He was the first American Boy doll.

By now you may have heard the news. Mattel, makers of the American Girl dolls that taught us about history and girl power, has debuted a new kid on the block. His name is Logan, and he is the first American Boy.

This is part of Mattel’s big diversity marketing effort, and I’m so glad it’s happening, because white, sandy-haired men are so underrepresented in American culture.

Let’s read the description, shall we?

Meet Logan, Tenney’s bandmate and drummer! The 18″ Logan doll has gray eyes that open and close, and short brown hair. Logan’s unique hand positioning helps him hold instruments! He arrives in a plaid button-down shirt, a T-shirt, jeans, underwear, and shoes.

I am so excited about Logan’s unique hand positioning, because then he’ll be able to to do things girls can’t. Difficult, talented-people things, like holding instruments and generally being better than you.

Tenney, for the record, looks like this.

The 18″ Tenney doll has light brown eyes that open and close, freckles on her nose, and long, curly blond hair. Tenney’s unique hand positioning helps her hold her guitar, banjo, and pick! She arrives in a graphic tee, denim vest, faux-leather skirt, and ankle boots. Also included are a woven bracelet and the Tenney paperback book.

You may think Tenney is a popular girl, but really she’s an artsy girl. The giveaway is her graphic tee. In this life, you can either have a lot of friends or a lot of talent, but not both, ladies. That’s just greedy.

You may think Logan and Tenney are going to get together someday, but probably he’s going to keep her at arm’s length and repeatedly tell her their friendship is too important to him and he doesn’t want to ruin what they have. Meanwhile, Logan will sleep with Tenney’s best female friend, but will never call her his girlfriend because he’s not into labels. At some point, Tenney will find out that Logan is sleeping with her friend (let’s call her Haley), and Tenney and Logan will have a big fight and eventually start hate-kissing in the rain. Then they will have sex, and Logan will think it’s out of pity and Tenney will think they’re in love, and then Logan will ignore her the next day and it will destroy their friendship. Then Logan will move onto a new girl, not Haley, who will no longer be friends with Tenney because she slept with the guy Haley liked, but some new chick he met at open mic night who wears crop tops and has a tiny stud in her nose. Tenney will pretend everything’s fine, but it’s not, and Logan will pretend not to understand because HE TOLD HER THEIR FRIENDSHIP WAS TOO IMPORTANT TO HIM and thought she understood. Anyway, now they are no longer even Facebook friends.

So let’s all congratulate Mattel on this great push for diversity!

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